Breaking Promises

These last few days, I've had a few things rest very heavily on my heart. It all started with a conversation I had with my husband over the weekend that led me to reflect upon the life that I have been living.

It seems that lately, I've been a bit ungrateful. Since being pregnant, I think I've experienced every emotion under the moon. I've felt excitement, nervousness, uneasiness, sadness, irritabilty, etc. And because I'm pregnant, I've pitied myself in these emotions. I've told myself that my reactions and feelings are justified "because I'm pregnant". It's okay if I get annoyed at the barista for making my coffee so slow, "because I'm pregnant". I'm allowed to leave all my household chores for my husband, "because I'm pregnant".

And while that all might not seem so bad, and while my husband sweetly allows me to delve into those emotions each and everytime I wish, I can't help but have a bit of guilt. Let me explain.

Last November, we made the decision to go off birth control and try and start a family. Month after month we saw negative pregnancy tests. After five months of trying, I made an appointment with my doctor and my husband and I started researching infertility options. For a moment, not being able to conceive became a very real thought in my mind. I remember thinking that I would give anything to have a positive pregnancy test. I told myself that I wouldn't mind being nauseous everyday, if it meant that I could see that plus sign. I recall telling myself that I would never take being pregnant for granted and that I would enjoy every single second of it knowing how lucky I was to have conceived. That next month, we got to experience the overwhelming joys of a positive pregnancy test. Fast forward three months later, and here I am rolling my eyes at the woman in line at Target for writing a check.

While breaking a promise you make to someone else never feels good, there is no greater disappointment than failing yourself. Upon coming to this conclusion, I can't help but be a bit angry with myself for straying so far from my promises. How will I teach my own child about compassion and selflessness, when it's something I've come to lack? While none of this sits well with me, I've found hope in the words of H.Stanley Judd:

Don't be afraid to fail. Don't waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures and go on to the next challenge. It's OK to fail. If you're not failing, you're not growing.

On a happier note, I'm so glad that I've come to this realization now, with five more months of pregnancy left. I promise to make the most of this experience and become a better person because of it. I know this is all part of a greater plan, prepping me to become the best parent I can. I'm okay with failing, as long as I am growing.

-ap