Becoming Me

To be honest, I've never looked optimistically at becoming older. I always figured that once your kids graduated from high school, there wasn't a whole lot more to look forward to. It's just hard to see the positive side of your metabolism slowing, your skin loosing elasticity, seeing more and more of your friends and family pass on and feeling like you just don't have enough energy to get out of bed.

But recently, through a wonderful stream of events, I'm learning how beautiful growing old really can be.

I've always looked up to my grandpa an incredible amount. He's just one of those people you can't get enough of and nearly everything he says has value. When I was in high school, I gave him a penny with the shape of a cross cut out of it for Christmas. I think I found it at Hallmark and trust me, it barely cost me more than a penny to buy. But on Christmas morning, with tears streaming down his face, you would have thought I'd bought him the world. He loved the penny that much.

And one year on his birthday, I was at a loss for ideas. What do you get for the man that is so content with his life, no material thing could ever make it better? So I gave him some cash, and asked him to do something nice for someone else with it. And a week later my grandpa told me the story of how he took a young man to lunch whom he hardly knew. And that young man will never forget my grandpa's generosity.

And this year, when his last daughter got married, he went to the gym every single week to make sure that he could walk her down the aisle without a cane. I wouldn't mind growing old if I could be like my grandpa.

I also look up to my aunt a lot. In my life, she's been the strongest single woman I've ever known to exist. When I was quite young, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It didn't phase her. I never remember seeing her mad or upset. She always had a smile on her face. In fact, I remember her letting my sister and I play with her different wigs. While I'm quite sure it was one of the most frightening experiences she's ever been through, she never let us see one ounce of that fear.

But what's even more intriguing about my aunt is that this year, while she was 60 years old, she married the man of her dreams. This is her first marriage and most everyone agrees that this was the perfect time for her and her husband to begin their life together.

You see, if my aunt was only 55 when her and her husband connected, she might have lacked the beauty and life experience she gained during the past 5 years that her husband so deeply fell for.

Perhaps she wouldn't be the person she is today if she didn't endure those experiences and challenges. I'm quite sure God knew all along the two of them would be together. And he knew at what exact time in their lives they would fall madly in love.

My aunt has always been so content and happy with the life she has. She is a fighter and she is a lover. She is a giver but never a taker. I wouldn't mind growing old if I could be like my aunt.

And a blog about growing old wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention my father. When I think of the hardest decisions I've had to make, there isn't one that will ever come close to the decisions my dad has made.

When I was graduating high school, my dad's company had made the decision to relocate to Texas. All jobs, including his, would no longer be out of California. Our family was faced with one of the toughest decisions I think we've faced as a family. And my parents spent so much time agonizing over that decision. There was no shortage on tears, worries or prayer. After much prayer and consideration, my parents decided the family would relocate to Texas. And that evening, on deadline, my father called his boss and said he would accept the offer and transfer to Texas. And to our surprise, his boss said he could see how much trouble our family was having to make this decision. And, he offered us one more day to think about it. That extra day was the day that changed everything.

I don't know what is was about that day. But I know my father called his boss and told him the family would stay. We all knew what that meant. If the family would stay, my dad would no longer have a job. But that day, my dad made a decision to be a father, a husband and a leader over a businessman with a nice house and perhaps no worries about where the next paycheck would come. That day my dad chose family.

I'll never ever forget the decision my dad made that day. As Ryan and I grow older, I hope that one day we will have the courage to stick up for our family in the face of adversity. I hope we will chose family over any amount of money or the comfort of having a job. I wouldn't mind growing old if I could be like my father.

While I don't know much about growing old, there is one thing I know for certain. The older I get, the more I will become the person I was made to be. I'll end with the quote that inspired this blog:

"Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he
potentially is."

Erich Fromm

Single Momishness 001

Sometimes I feel like a single mom. What an idiot, I know! The idea is pretty ridiculous seeing as I am not single and I am not a mother. But, if you listen for just a couple paragraphs, I think you might see what I mean.

***

So it's 2:30 a.m. and I'm lying in bed wide awake. Nope I didn't just come home from a crazy night of dancing or cocktails with the girls. I was actually in bed and asleep by 10:00 p.m.

In fact, the evening was pretty low key. I came home, made sure the doors were locked and cooked myself some dinner. I went outside to clean up the dog's mess and then I let them in to play. I did some laundry. Some vaccuming. Walked the dogs. Took out the trash. Popped a Simply Sleep. Checked under the bed. Put the house phone under my pillow. Grabbed the ear plugs, lied in bed and ran my heres what ill do if someone breaks in scenario through my head.

As I lie wide awake, probably from some ridiculous noise I made up in my sleep, my mind begins to swirl. During these moments I always think of my husband who's keeping the streets safe instead of being safely in bed with me. Maybe he's in pursuit of a drunk driver or on a foot chase with a rapist or consoling a family who just lost a loved one or breaking up a party or getting a gun off the street or busting a drug dealer- whatever he's doing, I know he's making this world a better place. And to be quite honest, there isn't anything more admirable than that.

But, being a cop's wife is not for the weak. It means last minute rescheduling of plans because he's stuck at work. Many sleepless nights. Lonely dinners and an empty house 4 nights a week. Talking to your husband for a measely 15 minutes a day until the weekend comes around. Managing a household all on your own. Being a cop's wife is a life that I kind of imagine a single mom living. No offense to any single moms, I know your life is more difficult than I imagine.

But just like a single mom, the circumstances life gives you only provide you with the opportunity to be the best person you can be in this life. I didn't sign up for an easy life or an easy marriage. Life is about trials, conflicts, tough decisions, learning, growing and changing. I can't even begin to count the ways inwhich Ryan's career has changed the person I am. And at the end of the day, I wouldn't trade any sleepless nights or solo dinners in exchange for the woman I've become.

☼ap

My Job Reality, Part Two

So almost two weeks after my last blog, I find myself in a completely different place in life. Let’s just say my whole brainwashing notion didn’t exactly work out as planned. In fact, the brainwashing only led me to suppressing my true reality. Last Monday, that reality reared its lovely head and I was left broken and disappointed. The truth is, no matter how much I attempted to mask it, I was being overworked and overwhelmed. After a peaceful chat with my husband and a story about the Mexican fisherman from my best friend, I knew what I had to do.

The next day at work I typed a brief letter. As I took it in my hand, I got up and headed towards my bosses office. As I felt the tears rush to my eyes, I went back to my desk to call Ryan for a quick pep talk. He reminded me that this was a business deal and was nothing personal. He also reminded me to be strong and not get emotional. I love my husband because he knows me so well. I didn’t even have to tell them that I had already attempted to confront my boss and was stopped midway due to a mini tearfest. But pep talk or not, I finally made it into my bosses office and the tearfest ensued. (I’ve just accepted that I’m horribly emotional.)

So without a new job under my belt or any idea of where I’ll end up, I put in my two weeks notice. Instantly, I was overwhelmed with glee. A normal person might be worrying about their mortgage and feeding their dogs. Nope, not me. I was happy to be unemployed!

Within a few days, I was given an opportunity to work from home a couple hours each day. I won’t bore you will all those details. Instead, I’d like to share with you what I’ve gained from this experience.

1. Follow your heart. It will ALWAYS speak louder than your mind. No matter how much you try to change what your mind thinks, your heart will always remain constant.

2. Never make a decision based on fear. Being unemployed is ever-frightening. But, realizing that there is a purpose and plan for your life and that a job might not be apart of those plans right now allows you to take your mind to the place your heart has been all along.

3. It’s okay to be emotional. Whether you put in your two weeks with laughs, screams or tears doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, you still quit your job. Not to mention, allowing your boss to witness first hand the emotional trauma they’ve put you through might encourage them to change the way they treat their employees. In my situation, it’s highly unlikely, but perhaps it might work that way for the rest of you.

"The reality of life is that your perceptions--right or wrong--influence everything else you do. When you get a proper perspective of your perceptions, you may be surprised how many other things fall into place."
-Roger Birkman


<3 ap

My Job Reality

Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality. -Nikos Kazantzakis

So here’s my reality right now. I have a job (phew!) that I don’t necessarily love (bummer!). I’ve entertained the thought of a new job, applied and even interviewed. However, for some reason, those doors don’t seem to be opening all the way for me. So here I am, at a place in life where I’m not exactly sure what to do or where to go.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my situation and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a reason I need to be at my job right now and if I want to learn that reason, I need to make sure I’m being used. So, I really have been consciously making an effort at maintaining a positive attitude. My thinking is this: If I act like I hate my job, I’ll probably end up hating my job. But, if I tell myself that I love my job, I just might be successful in brainwashing myself into actually believing it. I started the brainwashing process by jotting down a few things that I really love about my job.

My list included things like: a. I work with super great, fun girls; b. The pay is great; c. The location is fantastic!; and d. There are thousands of people without jobs right now. I’m actually lucky to have one. Mmm… good ol’ point d.

As I sit here and complain about my job, there are laid off professionals with MBA’s applying for jobs at Starbucks. (No offense Starbucks, I secretly hope I can work for you one day!). The point is, as bad as my world may appear to be at times, there is always going to be someone who has it worse. There will always be someone with a worse job, a worse boss and a worse workload.

Being able to change the eyes which see my reality has given me a new appreciation for my job. I’m not sure what God is teaching me now, but I’ve certainly gained a new appreciation for what I do have.

It's Monday...

1. the HUSBAND is home tonight
2. my favorite guilty pleasure is on TV tonight
3. im going to break a GOOD sweat (5 pull ups, 10 push ups, 15 sit ups, 1 sprint, as fast as you can 5x’s)
4. i didn’t get the job-but I still feel good enough to make a DIFFERENCE in the world
5. i have genuinely amazing people in my life- they keep me STRONG even when i don’t feel like i can be

Smile & Breathe

I have motivational quotes sent to my email each morning. Some of them are super inspiring and others are just okay. Today I think I found my new favorite.

Knowing that everyday I have the opportunity to change this world for the better is a huge breath of fresh air.

Craving Simplicity

Last weekend I had a chance to get a pedicure. It had been a really long time since I’d last had one so I made sure to relax and really take in the experience. It also gave me time to reflect a bit.

I started thinking about a time in my life, while I was a waitress/bartender, that I got pedicures monthly, sometimes bi-monthly. After paying for groceries, rent and utilities each month, I always managed to have a little something left over to pamper myself. And so, pedicures it was!

But more importantly, I always made sure I could give the nail technicians an ample tip. Working in the food services industry, I knew what it was like to depend on tips as income. I knew how much I appreciated a nice tip and it made me smile inside knowing I could give someone else that same feeling.

Fast forward 4 years later and I cannot remember the last time I went out of my way to give someone a nice tip. Don’t get my wrong, I always tip. But, tipping more than what is standard as a sign of appreciation wasn’t something I had done in a long time. This got me thinking even more.

How ironic is it that now, when I am much more financially stable than I was in my college days, that I am less of a giver? How is it that God has consistently provided me with more and I have decided to give back less?

I’ve had a craving for simplicity ever since that pedicure. I want to live a simple life with a simple income and give back in simple ways. I want to work a simple job and purchase simple things. I want to go back to a place when I not only lived a simple life, but I had a simple heart. There was no question of giving to others, even if I only had a simple income. Life was simple and so was giving.
I’ll keep you posted on my road to simplicity. I can’t wait to see where it takes us.

☼ ap