Sometimes I feel like a single mom. What an idiot, I know! The idea is pretty ridiculous seeing as I am not single and I am not a mother. But, if you listen for just a couple paragraphs, I think you might see what I mean.
***
So it's 2:30 a.m. and I'm lying in bed wide awake. Nope I didn't just come home from a crazy night of dancing or cocktails with the girls. I was actually in bed and asleep by 10:00 p.m.
In fact, the evening was pretty low key. I came home, made sure the doors were locked and cooked myself some dinner. I went outside to clean up the dog's mess and then I let them in to play. I did some laundry. Some vaccuming. Walked the dogs. Took out the trash. Popped a Simply Sleep. Checked under the bed. Put the house phone under my pillow. Grabbed the ear plugs, lied in bed and ran my heres what ill do if someone breaks in scenario through my head.
As I lie wide awake, probably from some ridiculous noise I made up in my sleep, my mind begins to swirl. During these moments I always think of my husband who's keeping the streets safe instead of being safely in bed with me. Maybe he's in pursuit of a drunk driver or on a foot chase with a rapist or consoling a family who just lost a loved one or breaking up a party or getting a gun off the street or busting a drug dealer- whatever he's doing, I know he's making this world a better place. And to be quite honest, there isn't anything more admirable than that.
But, being a cop's wife is not for the weak. It means last minute rescheduling of plans because he's stuck at work. Many sleepless nights. Lonely dinners and an empty house 4 nights a week. Talking to your husband for a measely 15 minutes a day until the weekend comes around. Managing a household all on your own. Being a cop's wife is a life that I kind of imagine a single mom living. No offense to any single moms, I know your life is more difficult than I imagine.
But just like a single mom, the circumstances life gives you only provide you with the opportunity to be the best person you can be in this life. I didn't sign up for an easy life or an easy marriage. Life is about trials, conflicts, tough decisions, learning, growing and changing. I can't even begin to count the ways inwhich Ryan's career has changed the person I am. And at the end of the day, I wouldn't trade any sleepless nights or solo dinners in exchange for the woman I've become.
☼ap
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
My Job Reality, Part Two
So almost two weeks after my last blog, I find myself in a completely different place in life. Let’s just say my whole brainwashing notion didn’t exactly work out as planned. In fact, the brainwashing only led me to suppressing my true reality. Last Monday, that reality reared its lovely head and I was left broken and disappointed. The truth is, no matter how much I attempted to mask it, I was being overworked and overwhelmed. After a peaceful chat with my husband and a story about the Mexican fisherman from my best friend, I knew what I had to do.
The next day at work I typed a brief letter. As I took it in my hand, I got up and headed towards my bosses office. As I felt the tears rush to my eyes, I went back to my desk to call Ryan for a quick pep talk. He reminded me that this was a business deal and was nothing personal. He also reminded me to be strong and not get emotional. I love my husband because he knows me so well. I didn’t even have to tell them that I had already attempted to confront my boss and was stopped midway due to a mini tearfest. But pep talk or not, I finally made it into my bosses office and the tearfest ensued. (I’ve just accepted that I’m horribly emotional.)
So without a new job under my belt or any idea of where I’ll end up, I put in my two weeks notice. Instantly, I was overwhelmed with glee. A normal person might be worrying about their mortgage and feeding their dogs. Nope, not me. I was happy to be unemployed!
Within a few days, I was given an opportunity to work from home a couple hours each day. I won’t bore you will all those details. Instead, I’d like to share with you what I’ve gained from this experience.
1. Follow your heart. It will ALWAYS speak louder than your mind. No matter how much you try to change what your mind thinks, your heart will always remain constant.
2. Never make a decision based on fear. Being unemployed is ever-frightening. But, realizing that there is a purpose and plan for your life and that a job might not be apart of those plans right now allows you to take your mind to the place your heart has been all along.
3. It’s okay to be emotional. Whether you put in your two weeks with laughs, screams or tears doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, you still quit your job. Not to mention, allowing your boss to witness first hand the emotional trauma they’ve put you through might encourage them to change the way they treat their employees. In my situation, it’s highly unlikely, but perhaps it might work that way for the rest of you.
"The reality of life is that your perceptions--right or wrong--influence everything else you do. When you get a proper perspective of your perceptions, you may be surprised how many other things fall into place."
-Roger Birkman
<3 ap
The next day at work I typed a brief letter. As I took it in my hand, I got up and headed towards my bosses office. As I felt the tears rush to my eyes, I went back to my desk to call Ryan for a quick pep talk. He reminded me that this was a business deal and was nothing personal. He also reminded me to be strong and not get emotional. I love my husband because he knows me so well. I didn’t even have to tell them that I had already attempted to confront my boss and was stopped midway due to a mini tearfest. But pep talk or not, I finally made it into my bosses office and the tearfest ensued. (I’ve just accepted that I’m horribly emotional.)
So without a new job under my belt or any idea of where I’ll end up, I put in my two weeks notice. Instantly, I was overwhelmed with glee. A normal person might be worrying about their mortgage and feeding their dogs. Nope, not me. I was happy to be unemployed!
Within a few days, I was given an opportunity to work from home a couple hours each day. I won’t bore you will all those details. Instead, I’d like to share with you what I’ve gained from this experience.
1. Follow your heart. It will ALWAYS speak louder than your mind. No matter how much you try to change what your mind thinks, your heart will always remain constant.
2. Never make a decision based on fear. Being unemployed is ever-frightening. But, realizing that there is a purpose and plan for your life and that a job might not be apart of those plans right now allows you to take your mind to the place your heart has been all along.
3. It’s okay to be emotional. Whether you put in your two weeks with laughs, screams or tears doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, you still quit your job. Not to mention, allowing your boss to witness first hand the emotional trauma they’ve put you through might encourage them to change the way they treat their employees. In my situation, it’s highly unlikely, but perhaps it might work that way for the rest of you.
"The reality of life is that your perceptions--right or wrong--influence everything else you do. When you get a proper perspective of your perceptions, you may be surprised how many other things fall into place."
-Roger Birkman
<3 ap
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
My Job Reality
Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality. -Nikos Kazantzakis
So here’s my reality right now. I have a job (phew!) that I don’t necessarily love (bummer!). I’ve entertained the thought of a new job, applied and even interviewed. However, for some reason, those doors don’t seem to be opening all the way for me. So here I am, at a place in life where I’m not exactly sure what to do or where to go.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my situation and I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a reason I need to be at my job right now and if I want to learn that reason, I need to make sure I’m being used. So, I really have been consciously making an effort at maintaining a positive attitude. My thinking is this: If I act like I hate my job, I’ll probably end up hating my job. But, if I tell myself that I love my job, I just might be successful in brainwashing myself into actually believing it. I started the brainwashing process by jotting down a few things that I really love about my job.
My list included things like: a. I work with super great, fun girls; b. The pay is great; c. The location is fantastic!; and d. There are thousands of people without jobs right now. I’m actually lucky to have one. Mmm… good ol’ point d.
As I sit here and complain about my job, there are laid off professionals with MBA’s applying for jobs at Starbucks. (No offense Starbucks, I secretly hope I can work for you one day!). The point is, as bad as my world may appear to be at times, there is always going to be someone who has it worse. There will always be someone with a worse job, a worse boss and a worse workload.
Being able to change the eyes which see my reality has given me a new appreciation for my job. I’m not sure what God is teaching me now, but I’ve certainly gained a new appreciation for what I do have.
Monday, May 4, 2009
It's Monday...
1. the HUSBAND is home tonight
2. my favorite guilty pleasure is on TV tonight
3. im going to break a GOOD sweat (5 pull ups, 10 push ups, 15 sit ups, 1 sprint, as fast as you can 5x’s)
4. i didn’t get the job-but I still feel good enough to make a DIFFERENCE in the world
5. i have genuinely amazing people in my life- they keep me STRONG even when i don’t feel like i can be
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Smile & Breathe
I have motivational quotes sent to my email each morning. Some of them are super inspiring and others are just okay. Today I think I found my new favorite.Knowing that everyday I have the opportunity to change this world for the better is a huge breath of fresh air.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Craving Simplicity
Last weekend I had a chance to get a pedicure. It had been a really long time since I’d last had one so I made sure to relax and really take in the experience. It also gave me time to reflect a bit.
I started thinking about a time in my life, while I was a waitress/bartender, that I got pedicures monthly, sometimes bi-monthly. After paying for groceries, rent and utilities each month, I always managed to have a little something left over to pamper myself. And so, pedicures it was!
But more importantly, I always made sure I could give the nail technicians an ample tip. Working in the food services industry, I knew what it was like to depend on tips as income. I knew how much I appreciated a nice tip and it made me smile inside knowing I could give someone else that same feeling.
Fast forward 4 years later and I cannot remember the last time I went out of my way to give someone a nice tip. Don’t get my wrong, I always tip. But, tipping more than what is standard as a sign of appreciation wasn’t something I had done in a long time. This got me thinking even more.
How ironic is it that now, when I am much more financially stable than I was in my college days, that I am less of a giver? How is it that God has consistently provided me with more and I have decided to give back less?
I’ve had a craving for simplicity ever since that pedicure. I want to live a simple life with a simple income and give back in simple ways. I want to work a simple job and purchase simple things. I want to go back to a place when I not only lived a simple life, but I had a simple heart. There was no question of giving to others, even if I only had a simple income. Life was simple and so was giving.
I’ll keep you posted on my road to simplicity. I can’t wait to see where it takes us.
☼ ap
I started thinking about a time in my life, while I was a waitress/bartender, that I got pedicures monthly, sometimes bi-monthly. After paying for groceries, rent and utilities each month, I always managed to have a little something left over to pamper myself. And so, pedicures it was!
But more importantly, I always made sure I could give the nail technicians an ample tip. Working in the food services industry, I knew what it was like to depend on tips as income. I knew how much I appreciated a nice tip and it made me smile inside knowing I could give someone else that same feeling.
Fast forward 4 years later and I cannot remember the last time I went out of my way to give someone a nice tip. Don’t get my wrong, I always tip. But, tipping more than what is standard as a sign of appreciation wasn’t something I had done in a long time. This got me thinking even more.
How ironic is it that now, when I am much more financially stable than I was in my college days, that I am less of a giver? How is it that God has consistently provided me with more and I have decided to give back less?
I’ve had a craving for simplicity ever since that pedicure. I want to live a simple life with a simple income and give back in simple ways. I want to work a simple job and purchase simple things. I want to go back to a place when I not only lived a simple life, but I had a simple heart. There was no question of giving to others, even if I only had a simple income. Life was simple and so was giving.
I’ll keep you posted on my road to simplicity. I can’t wait to see where it takes us.
☼ ap
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Changing Myself
These last few weeks have been a bit crazy around here. Life is taking me through some pretty big transitions which led to a mini vacay from the blog.
I've learned a lot from my experiences in the past few weeks so I thought I would share them. But first, here's a little background on me. I'm a HUGE life planner. I don't care about planning Friday night or dinner plans on Saturday. I'm talking the big life stuff. One of my favorites- the future. Future jobs, future babies, future homes. You name it- I've already planned it. I'll even go as far as becoming aware of a "potential" transition and plan it out even if there is no chance it will actually come through. Although my husband initially thought I was crazy, I think its become a weird quirk that just earns me bonus points.
Now, I understand life is unpredictable. I'm a firm believer that my life was planned out a long time ago and everything that happens on a daily basis is just fulfilling the life God already planned. I understand most things are beyond my control. While understanding that, I still have this ridiculous desire to plan everything.
In the last few weeks, my school and job plans have been dramatically altered. In addition to both these, I seem to be lacking a little something called "sense of direction". How this happened and how I got here, I have no idea. But, here are a few tidbits I'm learning along the way:
-Enduring unexpected changes with grace and ease enables you to grow as a person.
-Enduring unexpected changes with lots of tears, denial and apathy doesn't allow for too much growth as a person.
-Change truly happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes these are all just a way of getting your attention. Stop. Breathe. Take a look at yourself.
- Change can be exciting! Okay, not at first, but the thought of something new and different can fill your heart with joy.
-Going through tough times forces you to depend on others. Whether it be a Thursday night glass of wine with your best friend or an impromptu discussion with your husband in the Arby's parking lot. Allow your relationships to benefit.
-Change allows you to do a little Spring Cleaning on your life. Clean out the things you don't need.
At the end of the day, change will forever be apart of our lives. Embracing change and growing with change allows us to emerge as stronger and better people because of what we've been through. After all, changing the world starts with changing yourself.
☼ ap
I've learned a lot from my experiences in the past few weeks so I thought I would share them. But first, here's a little background on me. I'm a HUGE life planner. I don't care about planning Friday night or dinner plans on Saturday. I'm talking the big life stuff. One of my favorites- the future. Future jobs, future babies, future homes. You name it- I've already planned it. I'll even go as far as becoming aware of a "potential" transition and plan it out even if there is no chance it will actually come through. Although my husband initially thought I was crazy, I think its become a weird quirk that just earns me bonus points.
Now, I understand life is unpredictable. I'm a firm believer that my life was planned out a long time ago and everything that happens on a daily basis is just fulfilling the life God already planned. I understand most things are beyond my control. While understanding that, I still have this ridiculous desire to plan everything.
In the last few weeks, my school and job plans have been dramatically altered. In addition to both these, I seem to be lacking a little something called "sense of direction". How this happened and how I got here, I have no idea. But, here are a few tidbits I'm learning along the way:
-Enduring unexpected changes with grace and ease enables you to grow as a person.
-Enduring unexpected changes with lots of tears, denial and apathy doesn't allow for too much growth as a person.
-Change truly happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes these are all just a way of getting your attention. Stop. Breathe. Take a look at yourself.
- Change can be exciting! Okay, not at first, but the thought of something new and different can fill your heart with joy.
-Going through tough times forces you to depend on others. Whether it be a Thursday night glass of wine with your best friend or an impromptu discussion with your husband in the Arby's parking lot. Allow your relationships to benefit.
-Change allows you to do a little Spring Cleaning on your life. Clean out the things you don't need.
At the end of the day, change will forever be apart of our lives. Embracing change and growing with change allows us to emerge as stronger and better people because of what we've been through. After all, changing the world starts with changing yourself.
☼ ap
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